I need you to write a paper describing my a?Vibrant Spiritual Statea? and celebrating my a?Full and Healthy Inner Life.a? A circuit court judge has ordered me to take a course on a?Spiritual Centerednessa? at the Holistic Healing and Discount Tacos stand down the street from my mansion. His Honor said if I didnat take the class and pass it like gas, Iad serve 6 months for the a?crimea? I committed. The a?crimea? was no big whoop (which is apparently a felony in these parts). I was minding my own business, trying to drink myself to death at the Happy Tipper, a bar down the street from my mansion. The guy on the stool next to me suddenly up and claimed that he had once had sensual innercourse with my mama. I stood up and knocked him out with a 10 lb sack of frozen gravy I happened to have on my person (donat ask) before I realized it was my father whoad made the claim. Thatas when I really started pounding him (ask). I then carved my name in his mouth, both so to speak and literally.

Judge thinks I am a?spiritually hollowa? and a danger to myself, and others. Truth be tolda ainat that the truth! I am ready to end it all. To check out. To pull the ripcord on this rat-hole existence. I am a mess. I am wracked with an endless writhing pain at the pit of my gut 24-7. I am telling you straight out that this is a desperate cry for help. Please help me, cuz it burns. Being alive burns, canat you see? Wonat you help me? This world is vapid sucking blackness (no offence intended-some of my best friends are sucking blacknesses as we speak.) Speaking of the devil, I canat go to prison. I heard it smells like cabbage in there. And I canat abide cabbage. It stinks like Rahway. And that, friend, is a prison.

So hereas what the paper needs to cover:

1.) Write a paper describing how spiritually centered you are and how you have healed and would never resort to violence or extreme acts. Mention at least 7 specific savage acts I couldnat even conceive of. (Make em good and nasty, and bloody cuz I really wanna grab my teacheras attention)
2.) Include 7 exceptions to this moratorium on violence, listing cases in which violence is not only acceptable, but encouraged.
3.) List 7 terrible things that happen to people in prison.
4.) Mention how thankful I am to the Great and Honorable Judge (hey, a little suck-butt never hurt).
5.) Work in a quote about how my father is a?a terrible useless worm.a?
6.) At least five separate times during the paper, mention how I am not at all suicidal, that I donat want to kill myself, and that I think life is worth living.