Ollege admission essay Undeclared Essay

I need this essay to be reveiwed and correted/reworded to send to all colleges I am applying for:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

I find myself looking for the ways to explain all she has done for me. My sister, Kate, has always been there for me whether I hurt myself on the trampoline, need help with studying, advice on talking to boys or support when we lost our uncle. It makes my life a whole lot easier to have a sister like Kate to look up to. I admire her strength when her boyfriend left to serve in the Marines. She knew we were all worried sick so she didn t share with us how much she herself was worried. She always puts others before herself.

The thing I admire most is her determination. Her first year of college at the University of Southern California was extremely hard for her. My uncle had just passed away and she was dealing with finding new friends at a college across the country, dealing with the increased workload and living on her own. It would have been easy for her to quit but she has never quit at anything. She stayed focused and worked twice as hard. She took it on as a challenge that she would conquer, a trait that I have learned from her. To Kate, to quit at anything even something as small as a board game is failing. She would hate herself if she were considered a failure so much so that she overcompensated the other way and is extremely driven.

Kate is unique and independent. Most girls her age believe a boy determines who they are. She is different, she has taught me you can rely and survive on yourself. She has honestly made me aspire to be that way.

She s beautiful but doesn t let that get to her head, smart but she doesn t make people feel beneath her and very athletic but never brags about it and is willing to laugh at herself.

She knows how to put a smile on people s faces when they are feeling upset. As she has grown older she now asks me for my opinion on just about everything. She doesn t realize that I have turned into who I am because of her. She gives me such a sense of worth when she treats me like an adult and trusts me with her inner most secrets. She has taught me to be honest and trustworthy. I can remember an incident in high school where I wasn t sure if I was going to go to a party where I knew there were no parents. Kate told me  there are a million more parties in high school and going to one that could possibly get you in trouble isn t worth it.

She is never afraid to speak her mind. Our brother was arrested in high school and living in a small town it became known to everyone. She is only one year younger than our brother so she was very aware of the silent conversations in the hallway and how they would all of a sudden stop talking when she walked in the room. One day, when she was a junior in high school she entered the lunchroom and a couple of seniors were talking about our brother getting in trouble. She felt like it was her against the world then and she had no problem standing up in front of the entire lunchroom and saying to those boys  it could have been any one of you guys and you should all just mind your own business . She was applauded as she walked stoically out of that room. Most people would have said nothing because older guys would possibly ridicule or intimidate them but she did not. It was a very hard time for me in school as well. She gave me the strength of character to walk tall and be proud of my family in times of growth.

I feel as though she has made me who I am today and I am proud of that.